Having Hepatitis

Recently I visited a dear friend who has cancer and is in hospice. Her days are numbered, as the saying goes, although Woody Allen asked, "why aren't they lettered instead of numbered?" Anyway, my friend told me that the best cancer card she received was this: On the cover it said, "Cancer sucks" On the inside it read, "But it's better than being married to John Edwards."

Politics aside, what I like about the message is the concept that even with a life-threatening disease, there are worse things. So, what is worse than having hepatitis? Here are a few:
Being stuck on a bus in traffic with teenagers singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
Having Mike Tyson bite of my ear
A world without Internet and clumping cat litter
Finding out that chocolate is actually bad for you

Do you have any to add?

Liver Enhancement

I was musing over my March 25th blog, “The Heart of the Matter,” where I substituted the word liver for the word heart. I did not exhaust this subject, as there are many more expressions using the word heart. Before revisiting this, I wondered if there were liver expressions other than “What do you think, this is, chopped liver?” and “That takes gall.” So, I put the words liver and expressions in Google’s search field and got 995,000 hits. Most of them were biomedically-related.  If you want to bore yourself to cirrhosis, read about genetic expression of the liver. The first article about liver enhancers caught my eye. Wow, I thought about enhancing various body parts, but never my liver. Upon closer inspection, I read the actual title: Two Hepatic Enhancers, HCR.1 and HCR.2, Coordinate the Liver Expression of the Entire Human Apolipoprotein E/C-I/C-IV/C-II Gene Cluster. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of enhancement just yet.

Happy April Fool's Day

April Fool’s Day is my favorite day of the year. I don’t know why it isn’t a national holiday. Can you imagine if we all had a day off to laugh and play? My goodness, that has to be a prescription for good health. My liver would be so happy it would be doing the Snoopy dance.

Have you told a joke to your liver today?

The Heart of the Matter

I was writing something and I was about to use the expression, “the heart of the matter.” Sheepishly, I wondered if I should change the word “heart” to “liver.” Can you imagine if we changed all the expressions using the word heart? We’d have: straight to the liver,stole my liver, wears his liver on his sleeve, liver strings, liver of gold, half-livered, cold-livered, half liveredly, kind livered, whole liveredly, liverless, liver and soul, from the bottom of my liver, liver to liver talk,  broken liver, liver of stone, the liver’s desire, take it to liver, and liver-felt.

Saint Liver Day

I've been thinking about St. Patrick's Day. I think we need to honor the liver in a significant way. The liver doesn't need its own day - it could share St. Paddy's day. The liver symbol would be a good substitute for the shamrock. Bile is green and the liver certainly bestows more life than a shamrock. It would be very bad luck not to have a liver. Granted, it would be a more sober celebration. You can't very well honor the liver by drinking green beer. And corned beef and cabbage would be replaced by liver and onions. However, we could still wear green and say clever things, like O'bile and O'gall. Candy manufacturers could feature jelly beans in an array of colors from bright red to maroon. Bag pipe music would be perfect, since the bag pipe looks kind of like a liver. Instead of "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" we could sing "When Irish Livers are Metabolizing."

More Medical Notes

I laughed so hard at some of the medical notes that Richard Lederer, Ph.D. wrote in his column for the Journal of Court Reporting, that I thought I’d print some more. They aren't directly liver-related, but I am sure our livers won't mind.

• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Medical Notes

My liver is fine, but my liver humor is sickly. I am stooping to borrowing from others. The following medical notes are true. Although they are funny, it is somewhat frightening if you think about it, so DON"T think about it. These are from a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D. for the Journal of Court Reporting and have been reprinted at several Internet sites and magazines.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.