Liver Biopsisms

Next week I am going in for a liver biopsy. I am using humor to prepare myself. Here are some things I do not want to hear before, during, or after the procedure:
“Don’t worry, I always shake a little in the morning before my first couple of drinks.”
“Wait a minute, if this is the liver, then what is that?”
“Rats, I hate it when the needles aren’t very sharp.”
“Sorry, I am late. I was up late last night; my wife and I had a fight this morning and the coffee maker broke so I didn’t have my usual morning coup of java.”
“Darn, I hate it when a page is missing from the manual.”
“Nurse, hand me that what-cha-ma-call-it.”
“Hmmm, I wonder how long the power will be out this time.”
“I thought the liver was on the left side. I hate it when I mix up the heart and the liver.”

What Hepatitis C Treatment Feels Like

One of my quirks is that I collect descriptions of what hepatitis C treatment feels like. Here are a few favorites:

“It is like menopause, complete with irritability and hot flashes. I love watching men on treatment. I hope it gives them sympathy for peri-menopausal women.”

“It’s like being at high altitudes, except the view isn’t as good.”

“I just tell myself that I am in a rented body. I will upgrade it when I am done with HCV therapy.”

“My body has been snatched by aliens, except in this case, the aliens are interferon and ribavirin.”

“Every once in awhile, I lose my temper or say something inappropriate. It is amazing how words just pop out of my mouth that I never would have said before. At first I chastised myself about it. Now I just tell myself that I have interferon-induced Tourette’s syndrome. Thank goodness it is temporary”

“HCV treatment feels like a preview of old age.”

Humoring the Liver

This week I am boosting our immune systems with a few laughs. Here are some more funny but true medical records dictated by physicians. These are from a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D. for the Journal of Court Reporting and have been reprinted at several Internet sites and magazines.
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

Happy Liver Day (Doesn’t that sound better than Labor Day?)

One of the aggravating aspects of hepatitis C treatment is when people say, “But you look so good!” This is often said in a defiant, questioning tone, which is open to interpretation. Are they saying, “Are you really feeling bad, because after all, you look fine?” Did they think I was lying when I said I felt like crap?

I like what Jean Kerr said about beauty, “I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?” Now that’s a woman after my own liver.

A Laugh a Day May Keep the Doctor Away

Having chronic hepatitis C viral infection (HCV) is not funny, but living with it can provide endless amusement. I laugh the most about HCV when I attend support groups with others who are learning to live and laugh with this disease. I have seen people keep their humor even in the last stages of liver failure. People who die with a smile on their face seem to do so with dignity and grace. This was eloquently stated when Anne Lamott declared, “Laughter is carbonated holiness.”

Norman Cousins referred to laughter as “inner jogging.” Before his death in 1990, he used humor to cope with two severe medical conditions. Cousins translated his personal experience into a medical art. He worked in a hospital and charged the staff with a daily task – learn a new joke and tell it to the patients and staff. He replaced apples with a joke a day to keep the doctor away.

Perhaps a laugh a day does not keep the doctor away, but it sure makes life more bearable. Humor can help us talk about the unspeakable. Peter Ustinov mused, “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.”

For further reading or laughs:
Patch Adams www.patchadams.org
Cousins, Norman Anatomy of an Illness
Lamott, Anne Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith
Laughter Heals Foundation laughterheals.org

Hep Words

I love words and knowing where they come from. In medicine, everything associated with the liver is hepatic, which comes from the Greek word for liver, hepar. Liver cells are called hepatocytes. Hepatitis means inflammation of the liver. A hepatologist is a liver disease specialist. Hepatic encephalopathy means a kind of brain disorder caused by the liver disease.

This week I was looking through a bird book and found a bird called a hepatic tanager. It got the name because the male is liver-colored. In the picture it was the color of a liver. I can just imagine a bevy of ornithologists hanging around, saying, “Let’s call it a rusty tanager. Better yet, a livered tanager. By jove, how about a hepatic tanager!” 

You know what is really funny? The bird is more likely a type of a cardinal than a tanager. If they had called it a hepatic cardinal, it’s name would have been two colors.

Although hepatic may refer to color, it's unlikely that we will see it on a nail polish or lipstick.

Humor

Someone told me that the words humor and healing both come from the same Greek roots. I looked this up and found nothing to support this, as much as I’d like to believe it. Healing is Greek. The word humor means fluid in Latin. In ancient times it was believed that the human contained four substances, called humors. These influence our state our mind, health and personality. The humors were blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile.

Depression and gloominess was from too much black bile, thus the word melancholy (melan means black and chol had to do with bile and the gall bladder). Heck if I had too much black bile I’d be melancholic!

So, when I am being funny, that must mean that I am fluid and balanced. Hope I get there soon!