Mid-liver Crisis

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Tomorrow is my 60th birthday and I am having a midlife crisis.  I am failing as a hepatic comic. Comedy Central isn’t knocking at my door. I have not been invited to any late-night talk shows.  I thought by now I would have replaced Letterman with my own show, The Liverman show.

I am running out of liver-related material and may be forced to blog about the esophagus.  Oprah where are you when I need you?

Hepatitis Camp Song

Summer makes me think of camp. I loved sitting around the campfire, singing Kumbaya and Row, Row, Row Your Boat. I have modernized one of the songs, making it relevant to those with hepatitis C. Warning: This is highly irreverent and tragic.

Where Have All the Livers Gone  (sung to Where Have All the Flowers Gone - apologies to Pete Seeger)

Where have all the livers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the livers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the livers gone?
Hep C patients have picked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever live?
Oh, when will they ever live?

Where have all the Hep C patients gone, long time passing?
Where have all the Hep C patients gone, long time ago?
Where have all the Hep C patients gone?
Gone for livers everyone.
Oh, when will they ever live?
Oh, when will they ever live?

Tickling the Liver Cells

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The following medical humor is not related to hepatitis C or the liver, but hope it makes you feel better. This story is purported to be true.

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops  In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours." 

World Hepatitis Day

July 28th is World Hepatitis Day. I wonder what rituals would emerge if this was an official holiday. I can just see it – red, blue, and yellow decorations along with trees festooned with miniature glass livers. People might play liverball and then eat liver and onions. After their big meal, they might watch the movie with the all time greatest liver line, Silence of the Lambs, where Hannibal Lector said that he ate a victim’s liver served with “some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

Feliz Hepitad Everyone 

Searching for Liver Trees

I saw many trees on my vacation, but not one biliary tree. Here is what I was looking for:

I guess I couldn’t see the liver for the trees.

And speaking of trees, I have been to Braintree but never to Livertree. 

Hepatitis C Greeting Cards

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I think we need special greeting cards for hepatitis C patients, and I have some ideas.

Cards for people who are on hepatitis C treatment, or are about to start:

• “Wishing you luck on your hepatitis C treatment. May you avoid all side effects, except the weight loss one.”
• “Don't worry about losing your hair. Once you've lost your eyesight, you won't notice.”
• “There is a bright side to hepatitis C, but I can't remember what it is.”
• “Look at the positive side of hepatitis C treatment—now you will be able to blame everything on the medications.”
• “Has hepatitis C left you feeling blue? That is better than being yellow.”
• “Is your liver down in the dumps? Hope you get well soon.”

A Christmas card for someone with hepatitis C: “Hope Santa brings you a shiny new liver for Christmas."

A New Year’s card for someone with hepatitis C: “Auld Liver Syne”

Attention Hallmark: You saw it here first. 

True Story to Amuse the Liver

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The following medical humor is not related to hepatitis C or the liver, but hope it makes you feel better.

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."—Physician won't admit his name