Liver Biopsisms

Next week I am going in for a liver biopsy. I am using humor to prepare myself. Here are some things I do not want to hear before, during, or after the procedure:
“Don’t worry, I always shake a little in the morning before my first couple of drinks.”
“Wait a minute, if this is the liver, then what is that?”
“Rats, I hate it when the needles aren’t very sharp.”
“Sorry, I am late. I was up late last night; my wife and I had a fight this morning and the coffee maker broke so I didn’t have my usual morning coup of java.”
“Darn, I hate it when a page is missing from the manual.”
“Nurse, hand me that what-cha-ma-call-it.”
“Hmmm, I wonder how long the power will be out this time.”
“I thought the liver was on the left side. I hate it when I mix up the heart and the liver.”

What Hepatitis C Treatment Feels Like

One of my quirks is that I collect descriptions of what hepatitis C treatment feels like. Here are a few favorites:

“It is like menopause, complete with irritability and hot flashes. I love watching men on treatment. I hope it gives them sympathy for peri-menopausal women.”

“It’s like being at high altitudes, except the view isn’t as good.”

“I just tell myself that I am in a rented body. I will upgrade it when I am done with HCV therapy.”

“My body has been snatched by aliens, except in this case, the aliens are interferon and ribavirin.”

“Every once in awhile, I lose my temper or say something inappropriate. It is amazing how words just pop out of my mouth that I never would have said before. At first I chastised myself about it. Now I just tell myself that I have interferon-induced Tourette’s syndrome. Thank goodness it is temporary”

“HCV treatment feels like a preview of old age.”

Humoring the Liver

This week I am boosting our immune systems with a few laughs. Here are some more funny but true medical records dictated by physicians. These are from a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D. for the Journal of Court Reporting and have been reprinted at several Internet sites and magazines.
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

Happy Liver Day (Doesn’t that sound better than Labor Day?)

One of the aggravating aspects of hepatitis C treatment is when people say, “But you look so good!” This is often said in a defiant, questioning tone, which is open to interpretation. Are they saying, “Are you really feeling bad, because after all, you look fine?” Did they think I was lying when I said I felt like crap?

I like what Jean Kerr said about beauty, “I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?” Now that’s a woman after my own liver.