Black Friday

Look at the Black Friday deal I got—a shiny new liver! It was worth getting up at 4 AM. I got the last one. Apparently, everyone needed shiny new livers to replace the ones that they destroyed the day before.

I can’t wait to see what deals show up on Cyber Monday. Perhaps I will find a good deal on a pancreas. 

The Hepatitis Comics’ Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to remember those things for which I am grateful. This week, the Hepatitis Comics honors this holiday with an obscure appreciation list.

• I am thankful that hepatitis C prefers the liver, an organ that regenerates, rather than the heart, which doesn’t manufacture new cells. If it attacked the heart, I would have cardioitis C and that would mean the Hepatitis Comics would be the Cardioitis Comics, which has a ring to it, but is harder to say.
• I am thankful that I can poke fun of my liver, hepatitis, and Thanksgiving, because if I had to be serious and respectful of those things, I would certainly die a long, pitiful death.
• I am thankful that after 3 years of bile humor, no one has written to me and told me that I am not funny, which admittedly, sometimes I am not. Writing this blog has been therapeutic, even if not always funny.
• I am thankful for the two or three of you out there who read this blog, or at least, I think read this blog. If you don’t read it, don’t tell me. I need to hold on to my delusions.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

Six-Word Memoir

My favorite page in the AARP magazine (yes, sadly, I do read it), is titled, Six-Word Memoirs. It is a delightful column edited by Larry Smith. The concept is based on an event in which Ernest Hemingway was asked to tell a story in only six words. He wrote, "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

So, I thought I'd have a go at it:

• Hepatitis C stole my favorite liver

Does "C' count as a word?

Try your hand at it - it's fun. Send your memoirs and I'll publish them.

Vampires with Hepatitis C

Halloween has come and gone and with it, all the spooky vampire costumes. Speaking of vampires, did you know that those who engage in vampire play are at risk of spreading blood-borne diseases? This includes hepatitis C, HIV, and hepatitis B. Sex with blood adds a completely new dimension of risk. B & D, S & M, and sex with chain saws are risky behaviors if one of the players has a blood-borne virus or bacteria. So, if you are thinking of introducing activities in your sex play that involve blood, go to a joke shop and buy fake blood—it is much safer. 

Spooky

I did a bit of Halloween research, trying to see if the liver had a role in this spooky holiday, and found out about hepatoscopy, or the dark art of liver divination. The Babylonians practiced hepatoscopy, usually using a sheep’s liver to discover the will of the gods. Supposedly, the priest could read signs provided by the liver.

I guess hepatoscopy is still practiced today—it is called the liver biopsy. The pathologist looks at the liver and says, “If he doesn’t stop drinking soon, he’ll die.”

Happy Halloween.

The Myth of Prometheus

One of the astonishing facts about the liver is that the early Greeks knew about this organ’s amazing power to regenerate. We know the Greeks knew because of the myth of Prometheus, which was handed down for thousands of years. Prometheus stole fire from the gods, so Zeus punished Prometheus by tying him up and every day an eagle would peck out his liver. At night, his liver would mend, so the eagle could gnaw at it again the next day. Although this exaggerates the capability of the liver, it illustrates that the Greeks recognized the awesome ability of the liver to recover.

What I want to know is this:

1. What sort of demented torture is this, and doesn’t that suggest that Zeus was really messed up to think this up? Wouldn't water boarding be sufficient?
2. How did Zeus know that the eagle would eat the liver? 
3. Why did the eagle eat just the liver? While he was at it, why not peck at the heart and kidneys? That was one smart eagle if he knew he’d have a continuous source of meat if he just practiced a little self-control.
4. How could the eagle fly away after eating all that liver? The liver weighs 3 lbs, which would have made take-off a bit heavy for the eagle. 

Inquiring minds want to know…

Happy Blog Day

I started this blog in 2009. Three years of trying to find amusing things to say about the liver or having hepatitis C. Yup, either I am completely nuts, or I have hepatitic encephalopathy. I will say that liver comedy is not really catching on. Jerry Seinfeld is not knocking at my door.

After this many years, finding material is tough. I probably have a better chance of being a transplant recipient than with coming up with something hilarious to say about having hep C. I can just see my stand-up comedy routine:

Q: “What did the comedian say to his friend after finding out he had hepatitis C?”

A: “No joke?”

Yup, the material is drying up in Hepville. I may be forced to make gall bladder jokes, except they all seem so bile. The pancreas is soooo much funnier. I mean really, an organ that has the Islets of Langerhans is ripe for comedy.