Taxing the Liver

U.S. income taxes are due soon. (Did I hear a groan? Another liver making extra bile?) It isn’t all bad—plenty of comedians have made a living off income tax jokes, an income they have to pay taxes on. Here are a few jokes to help take the sting out of tax day:

“The Internal Revenue Code is about 10 times the size of the Bible—and unlike the Bible, contains no good news.” – Don Rickles

“It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink.” – Dave Barry

“It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” – Dave Barry

“The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.” – Will Rogers

Hope the ordeal doesn't tax you liver...

Hepatitis C Poetry

April is poetry month. To observe this celebration, this week’s Hepatitis Comics will be hepataining rather than humorous. Here is a link to a poem by Michele Leavitt, a poet who has hepatitis C. The poem is titled, Viral Sestina. A sestina is a 39-line poem consisting of six stanzas of six lines each. The words that end each line of the first stanza are used as line endings in each of the following stanzas. Notice the clever last stanza, which is actually the 7th.

Viral Sestina by Michele Leavitt published in Mezzo Cammin, Volume 6, Issue 2

April Fool’s Day Contest

Today is April Fool’s Day – the holiday that humor bloggers wait all year for. It is the day when pranksters make up things and try to lure an unsuspecting audience into believing something that isn’t true. I am not going to even attempt this because I am positive that Hepatitis Comics readers are too savvy for a common prank, besides, you can’t be unsuspecting if I have already told you what I would have done if you weren’t suspecting it.

So this April, I am opening up the blog to readers to come up with some liver-related jokes. The jokes don’t have to be very funny, but if you have one that makes me laugh out loud, I’ll send you a copy of my book, Free from Hepatitis C (no joke). I will accept entries from anywhere in the world.

I’ll provide the opening line(s); you provide the joke. Use either of the following, or a variation on the theme:

A liver walks into a bar…

Two livers are sitting at a bar…

The deadline is April 25^th. I’ll post the entries on April 28^th.

Going Viral

This morning I was musing over videos that go viral (an interesting choice of words). Obviously, I don’t want hepatitis C to go viral as it already has. Hep C replicates a trillion times a day in one liver—wouldn’t it be great if we could raise awareness at the same rate?

With this in mind, how about representing the liver as a cartoon character? I’ve got the perfect name—Liverace. I can just see it now, sort of a SpongeBob SquarePants figure, wearing a sequined tux with tails, sitting in front of his piano and signature candelabra. Liverace would play the Hepatitis Blues or Brahm's Bile Concerto for Piano and have a fabulous wardrobe. 

To see a link of one of Liberace’s Vegas shows, click here. (Note: there is potentially offensive material in this clip.) 

Perhaps this is a bit schmaltzy, but who says hepatitis C has to be dull?

Another Liver-Eating Legend

Probably the most famous liver-eater was Liver-Eating Johnson. His real name was Johnston, but I guess once you start eating livers, people don’t care about the correct spelling of your name. Anyway, there are various accounts about Johnson, and the line between truth and fable are blurry.

The version I’ll tell is that he was married to a pregnant Native American Indian woman who was murdered by Crows (people, not the birds). He went on a revenge spree, killing Crows and eating the liver of everyone he killed. He may have gotten the idea from the Crows as they used to eat the raw livers from their game, believing it gave them the vitality of the animal that they ate.

This is not where the expression “eating crow” came from. (My apologies for the politically incorrect, barely amusing pun.)

P.S. The movie, Jeremiah Johnson was based on Liver-Eating Johnson. It stars Robert Redford. I don’t remember any liver-eating, but I saw the movie in the 1970’s – long before I even realized I had a liver.

A Liver-Eating Legend

I am still on this movie kick.The 1976 motion picture The Message, chronicles the story of Islamic prophet, Mohammad. In accordance with Islamic law, Mohammad is never depicted on screen. The English version of the film stars Anthony Quinn as Mohammad’s uncle and foster brother, Hamza. Irene Pappas plays Hind, the wife of Mohammad’s enemy. During the Battle of Uhud, Hind eats or tastes Hamza’s liver. Not very lady-like. Hope she used a fork.

More Cinematic References to the Liver

Still on an Oscar kick,  I did more liver searching in the Internet Movie Database (imdb). There are 5 titles listed for cod-liver oil, along with mentions of chopped-liver, calf-liver, liver pâté, liver soup and goose liver.

The term liver-transplant shows up 13 times, most famously in Seven Pounds starring Will Smith. Liver-failure, liver donor, cirrhosis of the liver, liver abscess, liver-disease and liver cancer. For what it’s worth, I stopped watching House because I am disgusted with how he treats hepatitis C.

Also mentioned in imdb: liver-spot and liver-eating-mutant (an episode of The X-Files). The liver is sooooo cinematic.