Saint Liver Day

I've been thinking about St. Patrick's Day. I think we need to honor the liver in a significant way. The liver doesn't need its own day - it could share St. Paddy's day. The liver symbol would be a good substitute for the shamrock. Bile is green and the liver certainly bestows more life than a shamrock. It would be very bad luck not to have a liver. Granted, it would be a more sober celebration. You can't very well honor the liver by drinking green beer. And corned beef and cabbage would be replaced by liver and onions. However, we could still wear green and say clever things, like O'bile and O'gall. Candy manufacturers could feature jelly beans in an array of colors from bright red to maroon. Bag pipe music would be perfect, since the bag pipe looks kind of like a liver. Instead of "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" we could sing "When Irish Livers are Metabolizing."

More Medical Notes

I laughed so hard at some of the medical notes that Richard Lederer, Ph.D. wrote in his column for the Journal of Court Reporting, that I thought I’d print some more. They aren't directly liver-related, but I am sure our livers won't mind.

• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Medical Notes

My liver is fine, but my liver humor is sickly. I am stooping to borrowing from others. The following medical notes are true. Although they are funny, it is somewhat frightening if you think about it, so DON"T think about it. These are from a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D. for the Journal of Court Reporting and have been reprinted at several Internet sites and magazines.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

My Favorite Organ

When I teach a class about hepatitis, I like to include basic information about the liver. I begin by saying, "Let's talk about my favorite organ-the penis-oops, no, I mean the liver. It usually gets a laugh. The truth is, the liver IS my favorite organ. It's the largest internal organ. The skin is the largest organ, but I don't see how it can compete with the elegance of the liver. On the other hand, you couldn't live without either and both regenerate. So, I'd have to say that skin is my second favorite organ.

Another thing I like about the liver is that it is about the size of a football. It makes me smile, imagining Peyton Manning throwing a pass with a plastic liver instead of a football. I wonder how aerodynamic a liver is.

On another note, a reader sent back a comment, but it was in kanji. Since I could not read it, I could not publish it. So readers, although I am delighted to have an international audience, please comment in English or Yiddish.

Laugh No Matter What

My 78 year-old mother has been ill for quite some time. Last month she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia.  She is too ill to pursue treatment, so the decision was made to pursue quality of life. She does not have much time. My sister-in-law and I looked on tearfully as the doctor told us the grave news. After the doctor left the room, my mother turned to us and said, "I just want to say the F-word." Now I know where I get my humor from.

My mother is far too proper to say the F-word. I said it for her. Besides, I think swearing is good for the liver.

Chopped Liver Humor

A fellow clown and delightful man in my life is C.D. Mazoff. He emailed me that he is writing a book called "The Joy of Oy: or, Why Retch when you can Kvetch"

Why get colitis when you can just pop a kishka instead?  Nous...... besides which my rabbi says it's not kosher to have milk of magnesia with corned beef!!!  If your skin is too porous, you don't have enough tsurus!!!... eat more tsimmes... that'll plug it up!

To those of you who don't get the cultural references, trust me, this is funny. I laughed so hard that I nearly choked on some kreplach. I wonder how many times the Heimlich is used for kreplach.

Thanks David!

Death By Laughter

Woody Allen said. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” I don’t mind the milk. I am afraid I’ll laugh so hard that I’ll snort out my brain or my liver.  Now that would be some serious laughing! It’s said that you can’t die from laughing, but what a way to go.